How to Nail It

Pick a color.

Sit down in the chair, always the same black swivel chair no matter where you are. The same Musak playing on the speaker. You didn't know Smells Like Teen Spirit could sound so relaxing! Try not to stare too much at the manicurist as she takes your hands and begins her work. How do you not stare too much at a person sitting right in front of you holding your hand?

Let the questioning begin. Are you working today? Are you married? Do you have any children? Do you want any more? Why don't you want any more? Do you believe in a god? What is the meaning of life itself?

Geez lady! I just want my hands to look nice.

As your cuticles shape up from a ragged, bitten, neurotic mess into a clean palate suitable for buffets and greetings, start to feel calmer and more attractive by the second. You're not a 32 year old mom with dog hair and applesauce on your shirt. You're a hot babe! You've got snazzy fingernails that will soon be spring pink!

Feel yourself turn to jelly as the manicurist squirts lotion on your palms and gives you a mini massage. Ahhhhh. This is the life! Rubbing deeply from your wrists all the way to the crevices between your thumbs and pointer fingers...it's heaven. You didn't even know you were so tense.

Then the piece de resistance. A hot, steaming towel wipes away all traces of the lotion and caresses your hands. It's a bit like getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself in the warmest terrycloth robe. You wish it didn't have to end.

When she's done, your fingers are glossy and pert and ready for the shaking. Sit for a while with your hands under the heat lamp and thumb through bad women's magazines while they dry. You can't do anything for 10 minutes. Now that's relaxing.

Try this at home:
What's your favorite beauty ritual?