9: How to Drink a Cup a Joe

When you're in your thirties, coffee is the new cigarette.

Stumble downstairs after the kid wakes up cranky and dictatorial, mumbling all the while about how milk is coming and now please will you be good because it's 6:30AM and mommy is tired! Open the fridge one handed while holding said anxious child in the other, undo sippy lid, pour milk, marvel at this feat of great dexterity while child screams in ear.

Once child is settled drinking milk and happily munching on the last of your Special K, you've cleaned up the cat vomit from the carpet, taken the dog out to poop, emptied the dishwasher and thrown out the trash that smells like two day old diaper, turn to the beast who keeps your mornings looking bright. That sleek, black machine is your best friend.

Fire him up and put him to good use!

Open the cupboard and take out your cup. There are many cups you use, but this is the one you like best. Who knows how such things come about? It's one of the great mysteries of the world. Like a stray dog, you didn't so much choose it as it chose you. Purple. Not even your favorite color, handmade with a big, wide mouth and a solid handle with a funny saying on it that announces you as THE GODDESS. Why, yes. Yes I am. Thank you for noticing. You'll use other cups if this one isn't available, but you'd rather not if it's all the same. It's even chipped on one side, but it's still your favorite. The chip gives it character--much like your scars, bags and lines!




Hiss. Plop. Pssssss. Your coffee cup is magically full. Thank you Kuerig, you divine little invention. Thank you Splenda, for this chemically sugarlike substance that won't put more fat on you ass. Thank you sugar-free, fat-free white chocolate macadamia nut creamer for a drinkable, virtually calorie free cheesecake in a cup at breakfast. Thank you morning paper. Thank you PBS for your charming television shows that keep children amused and have the appearance of being educational so you don't feel too guilty.

Thank you for five quiet minutes at the kitchen table, sipping sweet coffee and listening to the soundtrack of the mind.

Try this at home:
What is your sweet relief when the world is 'too much with you?'