4: How to Sneeze

What could be more delicious than a sneeze?

You feel it first there in that tingling in the nostrils, your nasal hairs sashaying in the breeze. An itch that must be scratched. Alone, you welcome it, your nose crinkling in anticipation, your shoulders possibly hunching and sending a little shiver through your back. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Your mouth opens slightly. You ready yourself, waiting for the divine denouement.



Among friends you laugh at your sneeze. Pause briefly, holding up one finger as if to motion that you are going away but will be back once this hiccup is over. You fear it if you are somewhere austere like the library or about to deliver a serious presentation, afraid of frowns or polite smiles. You are embarrassed by it if you are in a place where bodily noises are verboten--at a sad movie where onscreen a pale girl has just died, at a hipster poetry reading where everyone is sipping boxowine and giving each other the cool eye.

What could be worse than kissing someone for the first time only to sneeze right in the middle of the act? That's how you know true love. If your lover laughs with you, hands you a tissue and whispers "Gesundheit" into your ear then you can be sure you've found your beshert. If not, then move on. He is not the right one for you.



Some of us are multiple sneezers. Once is not enough. Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Some of us have long, windy sneezes like the big bad wolf. Achoooooooooooo! Some of us cough little sneezes Ach. Ach. Ach. Oo. Like German guards clearing their throats. There's no shame in this. A sneeze is merely an involuntary reflex, a little death of the face that brings such relief once it's been achieved.

Go on and sneeze. Enjoy your sneeze! Sneeze loudly and longly and unapologetically and as many times as you wish.

"To your health!"

Try this at home:
Describe something that you're comfortable with in private but embarrassed about in public!